“Sick. I didn’t think he’d actually do it.”
“You didn’t? Why did you send him out there to fight?”
“Because I hoped he’d freaking die! Everybody likes him more than me, it’s depressing. He writes poetry, plays the lyre and kills people. It’s like a bad joke.”
“Well, you’re king Saul, so don’t worry about him and his man-harp. Are you really going to let Michal marry him?”
“I have to. You know David wouldn’t let me back out on a deal like this. Besides, she goes weak in the knees every time she sees him. She’d kill me if I didn’t let them get married. Not only that, but I bet God would be super pissed, too.”
“Makes sense. What do you want me to do with 200 foreskins? He literally just dumped them on the floor- it emptied this place out pretty quickly.”
“Let me think on that for a while. Just put them in a box or something, and leave them in my room. That way nobody else gets freaked out.”
(Based on 1 Samuel 18:24-27)
★ ★ ★
Some time later, God told David that he could not the be one to construct the temple. Yahweh said to him, “You are not to build a house for my Name, because you are a warrior and have shed blood.” (1 Chron. 28:3 NIV)
I think God probably also said, “And you circumcised 200 Philistines after killing them. That might have crossed the line. It’s weird. Not just kind of weird, but really freakish. And you know it means something when I’m creeped out. Not only that, but you did it for Saul’s daughter? I know, I did a good job making that one, but looks aren’t everything. You know he was playing you when he asked you to be his son-in-law, right?”
David’s face dropped into the palm of his hand and he groaned, “I know. And she’s mean, too. Did you hear her get on my case when we were taking the ark home? She knew what she was getting into when she married me.” (2 Samuel 6:16-23)
The almighty chuckled, “Yeah, there’s a reason she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I decided to take those genes out of the pool.”
David looked puzzled at this statement. “What?”
God didn’t respond. He needed some quiet time and was satisfied with confusing David.
★ ★ ★
I once read somewhere that having a sense of humor about one’s religion is a genuine sign of faith. I can’t agree more and I’m pretty sure God shouted ‘amen’ to that statement as well. There are so many strange stories in the Bible, like David killing and circumcising 200 Philistines. It’s ridiculous and it shows how much of a freak his father-in-law was. If I ever ask a man for his daughter’s hand in marriage and I get a request for another man’s body part, I’ll peace-out. She might be a freak too, and nobody wants that. Also, I figured that in the spirit of fun, I could connect verses that shouldn’t have been because psuedo-theologians and others do it all the time, but they’re actually trying to accomplish something when they do it. This kind of behavior puts me in a stabby mood.
Are you seriously telling me that if you are about to marry some hot Christian girl and her dad tells you to go circumsize some guys and bring him their foreskin, you wouldn’t do it?!
Yea, me neither. That’s just crazy.
I think Ezekiel’s story is pretty crazy. I mean, God asked him to lay on his side for about a year, and cook his food over his own crap. I love God and all, but I don’t know about that one.
If she’s a christian, hopefully her father is too, and he’s not asking for foreskins. I kind of get the dowry thing…. but no. God had the prophets do some pretty crazy crap, just to illustrate a point. He could have had them yell and call down plagues, but instead, they kind of abused themselves in His service. It’s fascinating.
I know for a lot of the prophets, their actions were just as much a part of their message as their words were. Kind of like an old school sermon illustration, though I really don’t want to see my pastor cooking food over his own feces. That’s a kind of…nasty…illustration.
Yeah, thankfully not all pastors are prophets. Though, there’s a whole mess of them who think they are 😉
How about when David danced “with all his might” in only a priestly robe when he was bringing up the Ark of the Lord? I mean…how embarrassing…leaping and dancing about with practically nothing on. Michal was so angry at him for shamelessly doing that before mere servant girls. David explained to her that he was celebrating before the Lord and that he would be willing to look even more foolish and humiliating if the opportunity presented itself. Now that took guts to say!
I love your writing…great post!
That whole Elijah sending bears to maul a bunch of teens for calling him baldy…I’ve always found that one funny.
Then my friend pointed me to the one where the chick and her friends go into the mountains to mourn for a while…can’t remember how long…because she was gonna die a virgin…
One of my favorites!! Seriously, Elijah might be one of my heroes for that story alone. God wouldn’t give me any kind of gift like that, because I’d totally abuse it. Idaho would probably be on the national news for bear attacks. Just sayin’.
And also? You’re brilliant. I read that story not long ago and it was ALMOST the subject of this post. Maybe the next one. It was so strange, and almost funny, basically awkward, too. Didn’t her dad kill her? I think so…
I think this is really what most people think, that they can do anything and everything for love…
My favorite is the original Shreck… You know the taking donkey? Man would that freak you out or what? “C’mon you stupid donkey”! The he turns around and answers you, “Hey idiot, can’t you see the angel with the sword blocking the gate”?
There are definitely some weird stories in the Bible, but they show the truth, right down to the gritty details.
I love it! I’d panic if an animal said something like that to me. I guess that angel is less scary than demon though.. gah. I might have to do more of these…
Eagerly awaiting the NJV version of the Bible. (New Jake Version)
Also known as the, “it’s not blasphemy if you have good intentions version, yes?”
Thanks friend 🙂
I actually love this old song and it makes me really emotional when i read it…Thanks for reminding me…
It’s a catchy old song. Meatloaf is a little difficult to take seriously, but we can’t let it ruin the song, right?