“Sick. I didn’t think he’d actually do it.”

“You didn’t? Why did you send him out there to fight?”

“Because I hoped he’d freaking die! Everybody likes him more than me, it’s depressing. He writes poetry, plays the lyre and kills people. It’s like a bad joke.”

“Well, you’re king Saul, so don’t worry about him and his man-harp. Are you really going to let Michal marry him?”

“I have to. You know David wouldn’t let me back out on a deal like this. Besides, she goes weak in the knees every time she sees him. She’d kill me if I didn’t let them get married. Not only that, but I bet God would be super pissed, too.”

“Makes sense. What do you want me to do with 200 foreskins? He literally just dumped them on the floor- it emptied this place out pretty quickly.”

“Let me think on that for a while. Just put them in a box or something, and leave them in my room. That way nobody else gets freaked out.”

(Based on 1 Samuel 18:24-27)

 ★                    ★                    ★

Some time later, God told David that he could not the be one to construct the temple. Yahweh said to him, “You are not to build a house for my Name, because you are a warrior and have shed blood.” (1 Chron. 28:3 NIV)

I think God probably also said, “And you circumcised 200 Philistines after killing them. That might have crossed the line. It’s weird. Not just kind of weird, but really freakish. And you know it means something when I’m creeped out. Not only that, but you did it for Saul’s daughter? I know, I did a good job making that one, but looks aren’t everything. You know he was playing you when he asked you to be his son-in-law, right?”

David’s face dropped into the palm of his hand and he groaned, “I know. And she’s mean, too. Did you hear her get on my case when we were taking the ark home? She knew what she was getting into when she married me.” (2 Samuel 6:16-23)

The almighty chuckled, “Yeah, there’s a reason she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I decided to take those genes out of the pool.”

David looked puzzled at this statement. “What?”

God didn’t respond. He needed some quiet time and was satisfied with confusing David.

 ★                    ★                    ★

I once read somewhere that having a sense of humor about one’s religion is a genuine sign of faith. I can’t agree more and I’m pretty sure God shouted ‘amen’ to that statement as well. There are so many strange stories in the Bible, like David killing and circumcising 200 Philistines. It’s ridiculous and it shows how much of a freak his father-in-law was. If I ever ask a man for his daughter’s hand in marriage and I get a request for another man’s body part, I’ll peace-out. She might be a freak too, and nobody wants that. Also, I figured that in the spirit of fun, I could connect verses that shouldn’t have been because psuedo-theologians and others do it all the time, but they’re actually trying to accomplish something when they do it. This kind of behavior puts me in a stabby mood.

What are your favorite weird stories from the Bible?