There’s a Nazarene church in Boise that just got a giant, new building within the last couple of years. The congregation has been around for decades, but they had an influx of geriatrics with extra cash not long ago. People weren’t getting saved, but rather, were abandoning their old church in a suburb of Boise after the pastor made the decision to start having contemporary worship. My guess is half of the band is thirty or younger and didn’t know any hymns, but I could be wrong.
Hearing about this and recalling all the friends who’ve left my church has left me in a quandary: What should I do when somebody leaves the congregation I belong to? I think most of us are completely tactless with this scenario, so I’m going to make fun of it because I can.
What should you do when somebody leaves your church?
1- Pretend they’re dead. Erase the offending party’s number from your phone, remove them from your list of friends on Facebook, unfollow them on the Twitter and take their pictures outside and burn them. Forget what they look like and erase the sound of their voice from your memory. If their name ever comes up in conversation, you should respond with, “Who?”
2- Hold a grudge. They left the church and therefore have left you, too. You should be hurt because any problem with the Church of the Righteous Indignation of the Apostles is a problem with you. (CRIA-that’s the name of my fake church, like it?) When you see them in public, you should give them the most sinister stink-eye you can muster up. They’ll get the point.
3- Try to win them back. Your church has more Jesus than any other congregation around, so they have obviously walked away from the Lord by quitting. You’re concerned for their salvation so you must invite them to every event you have. Give them tracts that say nothing about Jesus but have the Twitter handle, Facebook and website URLs, phone number and street address to your church printed on them. You should also remind them of how awesome your church is, every chance you get.
4- Avoid them. They left because of sin. They got knocked up, drank too much, had a bad attitude and are on the pathway of destruction. You don’t want to be guilty by association, do you? It’s a terrible thing, being friends with moral deviants- especially Christian sinners (they’re the worst)!
5- Be friends with them, regardless of why or how they left your church, even if they don’t attend any other church after taking off. If sin was the issue, don’t participate in it, but they shouldn’t be left alone to it, either. If they hate your pastors, don’t listen to what they have to say. Most people respect a subtle, “Let’s talk about something else.” or, “You’re entitled to your opinion, I just don’t want to hear it.” If they’re a friend, they’re more likely to calm down around you. If they’re at another church, then just understand that we’re part of one body. People aren’t talking about your church when they capitalize the C, they’re talking about the bride of Christ- much larger than CRIA, and found everywhere on the planet.
Nothing about this is easy. That’s why we should talk about it.
I won’t condemn or condone quitting a church to go to another. Some situations call for it but at the same time, people are fickle, unforgiving idiots who need to get over themselves. Anyone who escaped the Peoples Temple got away with their lives. Jimmy Jones is the reason why Kool-aid is feared by any non-believer attending a church function for the first time. One the other hand, the people who didn’t like the style of worship at the church I mentioned earlier…. need to grow up, even if they’re old.
As Jesus-people, we need to examine out motivations and emotions in scenarios where a loved one has “defected”. Our responses could be the difference between restoration or further condemnation and conflict. In other words, we have to be incredibly intentional in our dealings with those who have left. They’re still human. Jesus still loves them. They might be idiots or they could be wise in their decision. Regardless, our role is to love.
What do you think? Have you ever left a church, or how do YOU deal with your friends who’ve escaped, deserted or just fell off the map?
I left a church and came to CCC and never looked back. Sometimes that awesome worshiping, all the old people dispise, is just want someone else might need to get Jesus back into their life. Well it was in my case. My life has changed for nothing but good. Everyone needs to be in a church family where they feel that way in my opinion. And if this church isn’t it then…you’re wrong! Just kidding but seriously though. And the M.I.A. friends just time and love. Right…?
I tend to take the 3 and 5 approach to those that have escaped.
I think God definitely uses some random things to prod us. You never know if it’s to or from a church. I seriously mean that! Sometimes it’s difficult to understand God’s intentions and some people just don’t listen, so I couldn’t imagine all the times when something happens that we should understand but don’t.
I actually left my church of over 10 years last October over some new “doctrinal” stances of the new pastor. I say “doctrinal” because it was really more opinion than it was doctrinal but it was propped up as being the only way you could think of this issue. I could no longer be in leadership, I was told all the pastors I work with in Czech are sinners, and there was a double standard developing for elders and pastors (a pastor was fired, but I as an elder was able to continue on until my term was over).
The funny (or more sad) thing is that I experienced just about every reaction above to my leaving. I had some people completely ignore me in grocery stores, others talked about how I helped cause problems in the church and even the leadership tried to tell me I was outside of God’s will for leaving and they are praying I realize that and come back.
Church people can be pretty hateful sometimes.
Jason. You were dropped because you drink beer, yes? I’m totally kidding-ish. I hate seeing the reactions people give when friends leave church. Almost ALL of my past roommates have left my church and I keep in touch with as many as I can, but I get GRIEF over it because other people have written them off. It’s sick.
I personally truly enjoy giving a “drop-dead-stink-eye,” who doesn’t? I mean, come on!
I left a church a couple of years ago after almost 15 years there. My wife and I prayed and struggled with it for years before we left. When we decided to leave, I met personally with the pastor who is my friend and brother. I asked him if he thought I was not in God’s will by doing this. He was very kind and genuine. Many people left the church right around the same time. I pray for my friend the pastor a great deal. I was disappointed when some of the other people who left some of whom were even elders of the church and they never met or faced the pastor to tell him of their intentions.
It’s a difficult thing to be up front and talk with a brother or sister in love about what God is calling or not calling us to do. In the end, by talking about it the way you’re encouraging people to do here is the sound doctrine spelled out by Paul.
I don’t know how long we’ll be at the church we are now. My youngest has connected well with the youth group there, which was one of our major concerns.
I do know regardless of what church I attend right now, in the event of an unexpected death of me or my wife, my friend who’s church I don’t even attend would do the service.
The building we attend to worship our Father has little to do with the ties that bind us…
“The building we attend to worship our Father has little to do with the ties that bind us…” I couldn’t agree more. I think the people who get up in a huff over people leaving are the scary, fundamentalist types who probably need some counseling on how to run or participate in a church anyway. Regardless, I think the Church is large enough to give people breathing space if they need it. I also think that sometimes, people really do need it!
I have never left a church except to plant a new one, and we are on very good terms with the folks at the old church even though several people were very nervous we were going to take a bunch of folks with us. Church hopping is epic around here. It’s ridiculous. I know people have real issues which cause them to leave a church, but there are also people who get a little huffy because there’s a praise team instead of a choir or they serve animal crackers in kids church instead of Goldfish. A church isn’t a country club. In the best scenario, it’s a family. Sometimes a big, obnoxious fractured and sinful family, but a family; and people should prayerfully consider when joining a church or when leaving one.
Kathy, church-hopping is rampant up here too. What’s fascinating to me is how many churches tell their people not to leave over stupid crap, but take anybody in who left another church with some lame excuse. I realized that no church will ever turn somebody away, but there has to be some sort of counseling in there to explain the minor, little details in this, right? Also, I think a lot of people have a hard time understanding the reasons they should leave versus when they should just duke it out with the pastor, elders or whomever. It’s alright to not agree with them, I promise 🙂
Your cult references made me laugh. As someone that was born into what is now considered a cult (and I would have to agree – just google “community chapel cult” or “community chapel burien washington if you don’t believe me – my sister and I think my dad is still brainwashed) I think there are reasons to leave a church. But for people not in a cult, many of the reasons for leaving are fickle. Not always, but I’ve seen it often.
Either way I still consider people friends even if they leave. Who am I to say if God called them somewhere else or if they’re making a mistake?
I left the church I grew up in (not the cult – my family left that when the church split when I was around 7 I think) when I was first married because my husband didn’t like the music (see? fickle). I’ve been at my current church for about 9 years and I don’t see myself leaving any time soon unless I move away. Or unless they turn into a cult… 🙂
“Who am I to say if God called them somewhere else or if they’re making a mistake?”
I think that’s a great way to look at it. As followers of Jesus, we have to understand that not judging means even when they leave our community, right? Glad you liked the cult references and sorry you had to live in a cult! Everything about that is scary. I hear the word and I think spiritual and emotional abuse and it gets me all fired up. I hate anything like that. Do you think your father will escape anytime soon?
Also, did your husband attend church with you before you got married? I think that a lot of newlyweds have a hard time figuring church out if they didn’t go together because each will find fault with the other’s church. If he did go, then maybe he just wanted to get out and the music was a great excuse. I know that the old people in my post claimed it was over music, and it may have been, but I wonder how many of them were upset that they didn’t get a say in anything at all?
Since I was so young, I don’t think I was affected too much by the “church” I was born into. Although now as an adult I look back and understand why some things were the way they were back then. (And I do have some pretty crazy memories though.) My dad isn’t still at the church, but he won’t go to any other church because he can’t find one that lines up with what he was taught at Community Chapel, and even though some pretty crazy stuff happened, he doesn’t think it was bad. I honestly don’t know if that will ever change. I just avoid talking to him about it honestly.
My husband did attend the church with me before we were married, but I think it was a control thing also. He was on the worship team and he didn’t want to play/sing hyms. But that’s all in the distant past now.
Jenn, it’s interesting that your dad still believes the stuff. Something I’ve noticed is that when somebody leaves a body, especially one where there were bad experiences, their beliefs tend to shoot toward the other end of the spectrum. So it’s fascinating that he still buys into whatever it was he was taught! Hopefully he lands somewhere good and they get him straightened out, I’m glad it didn’t do too much to you, I have a friend who’s in counseling after leaving her church. It breaks my heart to see everything she went through. It makes sense that leaders and teachers are held to a higher standard, pastors and other spiritually influential people have an instant “in” with people who will almost immediately trust them. Nobody should ever take advantage of that!
Interesting thoughts. Personally, I think that (most of the time) leaving a church gathering is a symptom rather than a disease. Whether they are aware of it or not, many people view church as a social club. They pay their dues and expect to be entertained/fed/impacted/etc. So why shouldn’t they leave if the service isn’t to their liking?
We all need to stop viewing our different church bodies as separate units deserving of allegiance. Christ is our head, the only one worthy of our loyalty. Christ’s Church (with a capital C) is his body. It is a global organism.
This is important for church-tasters to understand. The important thing is not which gathering you attend, but rather that you are connected to Christ and the rest of the body. No gathering this side of heaven will have the perfect mix of everything, so it’s pointless to look. Instead, I encourage people to ask themselves how they can serve where they are.
Likewise, it doesn’t do any good to get bent out of shape when someone leaves the group. Perhaps the person has an attitude problem, but maybe God is calling them out for some other reason. Either way, if the person is a Christian, then they are under God’s authority to obey and be disciplined by him if necessary. I think we should seriously pray for anyone who considers leaving, but we must be careful not to interfere with the work God is doing in another believer’s life.
Dan, you make some great points. I didn’t even want to touch on WHY people left so much, because it’s truly a mess. I might get to that one later, we’ll see. Church should be more of a family than anything else and it certainly takes a lot to leave a family, doesn’t it? I will admit that I believe there are times when it might be appropriate, but then again, that’s a completely different post.
Jake – I love that you aren’t side-stepping the uncomfortable topics in this and your last post…topics that many preachers/pastors spend years avoiding. I grew up in a family that church-hopped as if we were playing Monopoly. Go through the stack of churchs to find the get-out-of-jail card to escape. Escape what? Trade in one human dysfunction for another? Yep. It truly is crucial that a couple agree on where to attend fellowship or their kids will have a childhood like mine. (Ironic thing is, after the divorce, both parents have stayed at their respective churches for years.) So…though I may not agree with every tidbit, I have been at the same church body for over a decade. They are like family. Even when living overseas twice for a year at a time, they were still part of my home-base. Should God call me to another group of believers, it’s my prayer to have a darn good reason to leave where I am now (i.e. Mr. Future Husband has a home-base he loves and isn’t as keen on recyling justice-Jesus freaks as I am). But I strongly agree with above comments – it’s not about a building but about the people. Family is family no matter where one goes. I like to think of it as a preview of heaven. I’m looking forward to the full-length film without human flaws.
Angie, I never would have guessed that your parents church-hopped! Your Dad has been at Capital for YEARS now… Regardless. I didn’t even get into why people leave, or at least not very much, that could be a bloody book! I’ve seen so many people come an dgo and it’s just fascinating because I”m not going to lie, some of them were justified while others were just being tools. Regardless, many of them get the same treatment! That’s what bugs me!!
Mom was the church hopper. Dad is a committed sort of soul 🙂
Such a great topic! Because it happens all the time, and yes, we should talk it out. In my experience, it can be a big, fat, smelly elephant in the room if both parties (the stayer & the leaver) haven’t had a heart to heart. Every experience is different because every relationship is different, but here are a few generals I’ve learned when dealing with a close friendship, someone I consider like family, that leaves the church I’m attending:
1. Pray & talk it out. Obviously, God’s heart for the situation is a lot bigger & all-knowing than our narrow perspective. Let God’s will & perspective ring louder than our opinions & feelings. Loving honesty is key.
2. Establish expectations for the future of your relationship. If you have a tendency to throw your life into your church (like I do), the expectation should be that the relationship will inevitably change. Doesn’t mean that your friendship will be weaker or stronger, but definitely different. You’ll have to try harder to make time for each other, etc. If you can talk through what your relationship will look like for the future (how often you’ll try to see each other, spend time together, etc.), I think it allows for an honesty in the transition. If this relationship is like family, it will be worth fighting for and making time for.
*Probably doesn’t apply as much if these people are your roommates, since you’ll still see them all the time.
3. If it is a casual friendship, I totally agree with #5. Pray for them, believe the best for them, and don’t be immature:) You’ll probably naturally celebrate & focus on the commonalities you have that don’t include the specifics about the churches you attend.
Paul indicates in Ephesians 4 that unity is something we will have to FIGHT for, and will take copious amounts of humility, gentleness, and patience. Lord, help us!!
P.S. Love this…
“Our responses could be the difference between restoration or further condemnation and conflict. In other words, we have to be incredibly intentional in our dealings with those who have left.”
P.P.S.
Looking forward to what you might say about “Reasons to Leave a Church” and “The Right Way to Leave a Church”…if you’re planning on going down that road. Definitely topics that need addressed & discussed!!
Jenn, I love your response. I think your three points are amazing- we react so much when somebody leaves that we probably don’t take the time to do any of those with a pure motivation. I think part of this stems from teaching in the church. I think even church leadership who has been hurt by people leaving has allowed a knee-jerk “this has to stop” attitude that’s also fueled by hurt and probably bitterness. I think each congregation needs to have this conversation and get this crap figured out, because it really does confuse everybody when a loved one disappears, especially if we’re told not to spend any time around them. I’m pondering reasons to leave and the right way to do it. We’ll see what happens…