WHERE THE CRAP
DID I LEAVE
MY APOCALYPSE SANDWICH BOARD?
I need it for Saturday.
Did you know that you’ll be meeting Jesus face-to-face this weekend? Almost as important, are you ready for the end of days? A group of brilliant people got together, started playing math games with the Bible and discovered that the date Jesus refused to tell us about (Actually, His father never told Him) is actually this Saturday at about six in the evening.
When this kind of thing happens, we have considerations to keep in mind. What do we do until Jesus comes back and what do we do when He shows up? Once upon a time, Jon Acuff mentioned that no young, V-card carrying man wants Jesus to make that big appearance before he gets married. I love this because some people would literally spend this entire time praying and fasting, hoping that they’ll make it to happily ever after in their post-earth existence. Those who have a just a bit more security in their salvation will be thinking kind of, sort of… more carnally, if you ask me. I’m pretty sure there isn’t sex in heaven… so why not worry about that one last couple of times, right?
For those of us who haven’t said “I do” yet and aren’t really interested in adopting new sins right before the end of the world, what will we do? I for one will be playing Rummy and Settlers of Catan with a bunch of people twice my age tomorrow night and I’m thrilled about it. I’m familiar with the tile game but am completely lost on what rummy really is. I think I’ll try to get the oldies to gamble while we’re at it. Maybe I’ll win a bunch of money to blow on the pair of True Religion jeans I plan to be wearing when I get to see Jesus for the first time. One must look good for their Savior, right?
There are too many ways to spend the next forty-four hours or so…. lets move on to what the end might look like.
I know the Bible never mentions zombies, but do you think He’ll let us have any say on how things end? I mean, is the whole long process involving trumpets, bowls of wrath, scrolls, angels and men riding around on horses causing havoc set in stone? Utah lets the people on death row choose how they get to go. I know that Jesus likes Utah, but not as much as He loves Texas and Idaho, so will He give us the option to choose? I hope so because I’m totally voting for zombie apocalypse. It might take longer and it’s certainly messier, but it’s definitely a good story that we could talk about for the next several million millennia. We could see who lasts the longest, which means total bragging rights in heaven.
If the whole Left Behind notion of believers just disappearing thing is true, I hope everyone who was ridiculous enough to put one of those wretched “In case of rapture…” stickers on their car is actually gone. Wouldn’t they feel dumb to be driving around sporting one of those after everyone else has vanished? Otherwise, I hope anyone looking for me just finds my underwear on the ground and that’s it. You know they’d be asking, “Where the crap did his pants, shirt, socks and shoes go?” and I wouldn’t be there to answer. Talk about scandalous.
Another good option is the army of flesh-eating robots that the government never told us about. Would Jesus just let those do their thing? I don’t think so. I think we’ll just plan on finding a pair of boxers with my name written in the back on the street somewhere Saturday evening. Unless it doesn’t happen at all, then I might get arrested for being rather indecent in public. Would the police believe me if I told them about how I tried to spend the predicted end of the world?
As one of those young (at least that’s what I keep telling myself) V-card carrying, unmarried men, I would be a little more than upset if Jesus decided to actually come back this Saturday night. Maybe I should hit the bars tomorrow night and work my charm. I’d still have time to repent. Besides, I said the prayer at some point, and I have my “Get into Heaven Free” card on me at all times. Jesus is going to be looking for that ticket, right?
Hmmm…better make sure I don’t forget it on Saturday. I don’t want to end up being left behind. Then I might have to watch Kirk Cameron’s horrible acting in all the Left Behind movies to figure out how to survive. Because they are biblical accurate after all.
*Was that enough snark for one comment?
I love it. Honestly and seriously, Jesus said nobody knows the day or the hour, SO BASICALLY, any time that it’s been predicted is basically out, right? I want to see what these family radio people say when Sunday rolls around. As for you…. not worries. 🙂
That was my first thought when I heard that they were saying they knew when Jesus would come back. Jesus doesn’t even know – only God the Father does. So, by saying they know, doesnt that mean they know more than Jesus? The worst part about this whole thing is that some people, including some big name pastors, actually are a bit worried these radio folks might be true. Or that they really are true, even after this guy has been wrong before.
The guy HAS been wrong before. I listened to their radio show, it’s fascinating. People call in, they kind of ask a question, he answers and really offers a lot of theologically sound statements, then gets ready for May 21st. I do not understand.
I told one of my buds earlier today that Jesus told me to collect everyones savings and cooler possessions so that everything is in one safe place for the rapture – and no one drops anything. Of course, he also told me that if someone doesn’t get raptured, I’m not to issue refunds.
Money problem solved. lol
Brilliant. I wonder I somebody else had that idea and that’s why the world seems to be ending once eery couple if years……
Yeah, keep on telling yourself that.
viva la mankind.
Derek, of course you’d answer like that. See you when you get back… miss your face in a non-weird way 🙂
They have billboards on a couple of major freeways around Phoenix telling all passer-bys that the world is going to end. I haven’t seen them, I try not to venture into those parts of the valley. When my daughter told me about them I asked her, “Doesn’t sound much like a thief in the night does it”? The church age ending in 1988? Interesting how you base a theory on a bunch of “assumptions” without which your hypothesis is grounded or better yet sunk. The same secular thinking that “assumes” the theory of the layers of the earth having taken millions of years to form, instead of a catastrophic world wide flood. What was that word Solomon used to describe the opposite of a wise person? Oh yeah, a fool…
I’ve seen the billboards, we have a van around here that’s been touting Family Radio’s message. I really wish their leader had spent that money differently, because he’s obviously good at raising it. What a wasted gift.
Jake I’m pretty sure that if you leave behind only your unders, then thats all you were wearing. Right? I don’t think Jesus wants to meet a stick figure you. Best to wear clothing.. 🙂 Seriously though it’s almost sad how easily people are led. When we don’t consider what the Bible says to be the ultimate authority we just end up putting something else in that position, and it’s never a better replacement. Well I guess unless God decides to show all us skeptics up just for laughs, I’ll see you later.
I wonder how often we fall into these types of things and don’t realize it. I mean, they’d have to be more subtle, but I think we’re all distracted by wrong things at least some of the time.