I sometimes feel it there, burbling in my stomach; knots come and go, my mind speeds from one possibility to another, and a general uneasiness overwhelms me. I know what I want to do, and I know why as well, but I can’t see it anywhere, not really anyways. I look long and far, and I see where I’m meandering, but I don’t see my destination yet. Such an unsettling circumstance I’m in.
Truthfully, I’m sitting in my room, David Crowder’s singing to me from my computer, and I’m praying. Why on earth would I feel like that during prayer? The Holy Spirit speaks louder than my sound system for my mac, chilling over on my desk, and He’s telling me now, what he’s been saying for a long time now. He’s telling me His plan for my life. It’s big, scary, and difficult, but I want it more than anything else right now, actually more than I’ve ever desired anything in my life.
I see continued education, the potential to move away or to continue living right where I’m at. I feel dependent on God and people that I’m having a hard time trusting to get me there. The vision stands so much larger than I do; my 5′-7” stature stands in the shadow of things to come. Crap. I yell more than ask, “God, how do I do that? I don’t flippin’ get it! C’mon!”
His calm resolution makes me laugh. God never gets dramatic with me, even when He causes me to freak out. “Just have faith, and work toward it.” That’s all I got out of Him. Thanks.
I’m in a quandary: Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish” What about a partial vision? Am I going to fall into a pit and die because I’m lacking in my vision? Am I a drama queen trapped in a twenty-three year-old body? I already knew the answer to the second question, but the first clung to my mind, much like a squatter in a vacant house; the thought didn’t want to leave.
This dilemma stands out as curiously jocular because I spend so much time considering how to help others achieve their dreams and goals. What about mine? I guess I forgot about myself. Not really, I’m way too egocentric to do that, but It comes across as so much more difficult to take care of myself in this area, and to have faith for myself. How strange is that?
I finished my conversation with God asking for special faith and vision for what He wants me to do, knowing that I’d have to rely on Him to open doors, inspire, protect, enable, and essentially perform nothing short of a miracle on my behalf. He’s God though, I pretty sure that He has no problem with that.
Chapter 11 of Hebrews jumps out to the reader and believer as a “hall of fame” lauding heroes of the Old Testament for the faith they possessed in pursuing God’s purpose for their lives. This section begins with the phrase, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” a hugely profound statement.
Implicit in Hebrews 11:1 is that if one owns faith, notice no amount receives mention here, they have not only evidence, but substance pertaining with what they hope for. Again, an amazingly profound phrase! This applies to us in so many ways. I have hopes and dreams, and would like to suggest that I also contain a lot of faith as well. Not that the amount matters, Jesus said, “If you have the faith of a mustard seed…” (Luke17:6 NKJV) Oh SNAP! That means that I have a chance!
Knowing all this, what does one do? He or she gets up, steps up and goes after what God has told them to, or the desires of their heart, delighting in God along the way (Ps 37:4). So I can get rid of this feeling of utter dread that hides out in my stomach, this nagging feeling that occasionally pries its way into my thoughts, and I can have faith in God, that He’s going to open doors, inspire me, and get me to where He wants me to be. It isn’t always easy, taking a slightly passive approach to your future (Going for it, but relying on God…not overly passive, but contained within that one word, relying, so much is implied). So I can smile and move on.