Time makes no sense to me. I mean, I get the concept and can even read an analogue clock, set an alarm, mostly wake up with it and so on, but the pace at which time moves completely bewilders me. It isn’t consistent. It moves far too quickly at all the wrong times and refuses to budge far too often. It isn’t fair, and I have a strong sense of justice, so of course, I often protest this inequity. Particularly when my phone barks at me to end a nap. So, I decided to ask The Almighty about this, to see what He had to offer on the topic.
Me, rubbing my temples: What is wrong with time? What did you do to it? Has it always been this busted, or did you break it to punish us for the apple Eve ate?
God: It wasn’t an apple.
Me: You really do care about the details, don’t you?
God: When you see them all as distinctly as I do, yes. What don’t you like about time?
Me: It basically does the opposite of what I want it to and it’s paradoxical. Fun times disappear in a blink and all the tedious stuff lasts forever and ever. And then some. And it seems that nearly every single day of my life is long. Like more than 24 hours long and still, how is it almost October? This year of long days and weeks is disappearing.
God: I experienced time once. It was a little… disorienting isn’t the word. That doesn’t happen to me, but I know what you mean.
Me: What’s the deal? Is it like some of my kind think? Is it a human construct? Can we get rid of it?
God: You get mad when somebody is five minutes late. If there was no time, you’d be ragey all the time. And to answer your question, it might be a human concept, but it’s based on your observations of how natural things work. I gave you seasons- times when the sun would be closer to your planet’s equator and times when the poles see more of it. And I set your little planet spinning around the sun, too. These are constants. But, exactly 57.2346 percent of the people who protest and dislike time, believing that you all made it up smoke a ton of weed, if that tells you anything.
Me: Oh. I never knew I could ask you for exact statistics. I need to do that more often, because of course you’d know that stuff.
God: I know it all, but direct revelation from God isn’t an option for a citation, according to the MLA people. It might work for certain Christian publishing companies with dubious reputations though.
Me: Of course. We’re off track! Why is it I feel like you play time like an accordion? Compressing the moments that I love the most and elongating the ones that I just want to end?
God: Accordion? What an image! I am standing outside of time. I see the beginning still, see my Spirit hovering over the void, and I can still feel the excitement of getting this whole thing started. I’m at the end, too. The funny thing is you humans have no clue when that is. You’re all totally shocked. The looks on your faces are ridiculous. Am I squeezing and compressing anything though? Am I slowing the whole world down when you’re miserable and speeding everybody’s lives up when you’re enjoying yourself or taking a nap? Does it all depend on what’s happening in your life?
Me: You know that isn’t what I meant. I’m not nearly that egocentric.
God: Sometimes though-
Me, interrupting: I know the world doesn’t revolve around me.
God: Testy today, huh? It’s a perception issue. Your experience of time was simpler before your kind jumped off the bandwagon.
Me: So sin is to blame, is that right? Honestly though, my party days flew by pretty quickly.
God: It isn’t like I’d make church last forever and drunkenness last for only a second. What good would that do? Your kind needs time to slow down when you’re hungover. To think about what you’ve done…
Me: Can you give me one of those remotes that Adam Sandler had in that movie where he could control time? I’d push pause every time I wanted to nap or write.
God: Didn’t that movie teach you anything? He regretted it all at the end.
Me: Learn anything from an Adam Sandler movie?