“Sick. Obviously not unattached humans like us, but I bet there are plenty of people who would buy that. At least, as gifts for their friends or grandchildren or something.”
And with that, my compatriots and I meandered down the bible aisle of the bookstore, examining the athlete bibles wrapped in pigskin and basketball leather, the camouflaged bibles for military men, and the Solo version of Eugene Peterson’s The Message. He gets to put his name on a Bible? I want to do that too.*
“Guys, we should write our own!”
And there it was, inspiration struck and I had a get-rich relatively slowly scheme in mind. I was going to start putting together Bibles for different types of people or various seasons of life. And here we go…
1- The Furry Bible: Highlights passages like the section of Isaiah’s messianic prophecy wherein the wolf and the lamb dwell together, the leopard and the goat become friends for life and the cobra doesn’t kill the kid who’s clearly being neglected by his parents (Is. 11). Furries meet at one of my favorite coffee shops and make the geriatrics nervous, which is more entertaining than most primetime television. This will be a great witnessing tool, the likes of which I’m bringing to the next Comic-con along with my “Jesus loves furries” t-shirts and hoodies.
2- The Cat-Man Bible: Sounds like the furry Bible, but this guy doesn’t wear any costumes, he’s just obsessed with his cat. He posts photos of it on Facebook and Instagram. There are only subtle differences between him and the infamous cat-lady- mostly just gender and age. When he and his feline-obsessed buddies hang out, it’s an official meeting of the laminated V-card club.
3- The Solo, but Dying to get Married Bible: Contrary to what you might want to believe, this is not about waiting or purity, but involves every passage that teenage girls cling to when dreaming of their future misters. Pining after the man or woman you’ll wake up to for the rest of your life isn’t about building character, but getting lost in endless, unrealistically romantic thoughts as well as wedding planning and then using the Word of God to justify wasting all that time.
4- The Dictator’s Bible: I am a D… I am a D-I… I am a D-I-C-T-A-T-O-R and my church knows it. This bible highlights all the points about obeying leaders, submission and explains how to discern if someone is having even remotely rebellious thoughts. Most pastors who have this bible also seem to carry an overwhelming fascination with Acts 5, wherein the Holy Ghost spanks Ananias and his dishonest wife, Sapphira. If that happened today, Peter likely would have been accused of double-homicide. Don’t mess with anyone toting this seven-pound, leather-bound bible around.
5- Diva’s Bible: Did you know that if one wanted to, they could tie everything in the bible to Proverbs 31? For instance, a real proverbs 31 woman probably would have fashioned a gold calf from everyone’s jewelry, like Aaron did in Exodus 32, but instead of telling the people to worship it, she’d sell it on Etsy and make bank.
6- The Zombie Apocalypse Bible: Lazarus wasn’t a zombie and neither is Jesus. In fact, there’s probably no real metaphysical event wherein the bodies of those who’re tripping the light fantastic on the other side of death’s door reanimate and eat their living counterparts. That said, it’ll be just like in the movies- some horrific, man-made event that scares the crap out of everyone who doesn’t die right away. This Bible helps you through the trials and tribulations of running for your life every day, fighting off old friends who want to eat your brains and hunting for those elusive twinkies. Interestingly enough, a planet full of flesh-eating zombies isn’t much different from a Babylonian captivity.
These are only initial thoughts, which will need hours of tweaking before they’ll be ready for the bookshelves. It isn’t like I’d need to write that much. I also thought about possibly doing a prosperity Bible, but even I have standards and almost fear that might put my salvation in jeopardy, which obviously, would really suck. Clearly, it isn’t difficult to “flavor” God’s word and make it lean any direction we want to. If this happens for financial gain, I question the sincerity of the Bible scholar doing this kind of work, but I guess I’m forever the skeptic when it comes to stuff like this.
Can you think of any kind of bible you’d like to see?
*No, I really don’t want that at all.