Here friends, is my honest attempt at a rapture letter.

Dearest _______,

If you’re reading this, then I am gone. Or I’d better be. I told you not to read this unless I mysteriously disappeared and there wasn’t and mafia connection to my departure. In fact, if all that was left of me was a pile of clothes and if lots of other Jesus-people also disappeared, leaving their outfits in semi-warm heaps it means that God took us.

Matthew 24:40-41 says,

Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left.

Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.

Since you’re reading this, you’re one of the people who has been left behind, like that questionable series of books by the dubious Jesus-people that neither of us could ever really appreciate. I guess since that’s happened, you might want to read those books now. They might give you an idea on how to stay alive and not have a really bad eternity. I’m not sure though, they might be a little misleading too. I just don’t know.

Anyway, I should have told you this while I was alive, but in all seriousness, Jesus loves you. Things might be terrifying now, but if you give your life to Him, there will ultimately be a happy ending to your story. If not, then it just gets worse from here. I mean, everything else aside, you’ll get to chill with me again if you trust Him with the rest of your days. In the scheme of things, that’ really not what’s important though. Let’s focus on you and Jesus.

I would have told you about this sooner, but I didn’t really have a timeline to go by. God said, “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” (Matthew 24:36) So… if Jesus didn’t even know when we were all taking off, you couldn’t expect anything better out of me. Anyway, Jesus died for your sins (you had a lot too, you moral deviant) so those don’t keep you from God forever. That’s what sin does. You don’t need to be embarrassed about it, the Bible says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Yes, it’s better to get into trouble with friends, it just feels more secure for some reason, right?  You just have to let Him be your savior, instead of thinking you haven’t done anything wrong or thinking you can take care of this on your own- because you can’t (neither could I).

I’m not calling you weak, just incapable. It’s how it is for everyone, so get over yourself and let Jesus do what He does. Other than trusting Him, you don’t really have to do anything else. You probably don’t have a ton of time left. I’d try to tell you how much, but eschatology (the study of end times) annoys me.

You know I was a Bible-believing, church-attending Jesus-person who genuinely wanted you to be the same. I can’t recall if I ever really witnessed to you or not, I guess I was afraid you’d be annoyed with me and wouldn’t ever look to Jesus for anything if I pushed too hard. So, I tried  to live my life in such a way that you’d want a life like mine. But now I’m gone, so epic fail on my part for that one. You can yell at me later, or at least thank me for this letter if it works.

Well, I’ve said my piece. I’m up in heaven with St. Peter right now, watching you. Yes. I’ll be watching you, like Sting and the Police. Only, it’s less creepy because basically, I’m dead to you for now (technically though, I’m more alive than ever). Make right decisions, because I’ll see all the bad and awkward ones from here on out.



P.S. If there are zombies, I have an ax and my shotgun in my closet.  Feel free to take those, because you may need them. I was hoping we’d have an outbreak prior to my rapture because zombie hunting was so much fun in the movies and video games. And also, my Bible should be on my desk, I guess it depends on what I was doing when I was raptured. Look for it- it’ll answer questions better than I have.