He wasn’t necessarily fat, he just had man-curves. She kind of liked them, they were one of the reasons why she agreed to go out with him for the first time so many years ago. She thought he was cute, in one way or another. She couldn’t ever really explain it. He mostly stayed in shape while they were dating, even lost a lot of weight right before he proposed. Quite a bit of muscle manifested in the time before their wedding. She could tell that he was really trying to impress her. She didn’t think it was necessary, but she was incredibly flattered.
That was twenty-six years ago. The muscle didn’t stay more than a couple of months and his curves came back with a vengeance. She never minded it too much. She loved him for his personality, because he provided for her and because he was a great father to their six kids. They’d been living well for a long time. A large portion of it was because of his hard work.
After a while, his health had begun to make her nervous. His blood pressure was high, his cholesterol was through the roof, and according to his doctor, his heart was showing signs of strain. She didn’t like this. She also was less than fond of the amount of bed-space his body took up each night, but that was a minor problem compared to his health. She wasn’t interested in becoming a widow anytime soon.
She thought about and prayed for ways to approach the subject. She asked God for his doctors’ words to impact her husband. Somebody had to tell him to watch what he was eating and to get off his butt more often. She was afraid to. He worked hard, even though it was in front of a computer all day. He earned the right to come home and crash on the couch, as far as both of them were concerned, but it really was impacting his health.
Deep down, she had to admit that the love handles she used to think were cute had grown into something much less adorable. She had to talk to him. She didn’t want to bite her tongue anymore. If she bit any harder, she’d draw blood.
Finally one day, she was able to muster up the courage to ask him to change his diet. She offered to exercise with him, even pleaded through tears and expressed concern for his health. After so many years of having a strong marriage, all he could say was,
Why are you being critical? You know this hurts me more than it does you, right?
And the fighting began.
Of course, this was everything she feared. She had to make the decision to allow him to continue in his unhealthy ways for the sake of them having a peaceful relationship or to continue to harass him to lose weight and get healthy at the risk of hurt feelings and the occasional verbal altercation. She was strong-willed, so she chose to fight. Unfortunately, her concern for his health and his one-sided reactions hurt her more than she’d ever let him know.
Real love can take the occasional criticism, if it’s well-placed.
Anything less crumbles at the first hint of truth.
It’s unfortunate.
Interesting. I might add that real love sees past what “appears” to be criticism, and understands the heart of the one speaking. Unless, of course, the one listening is so buried underneath layers & layers of insecurity, that everything sounds like criticism.
In fact, real love confronts destructive, unhealthy ways, even at the cost of keeping the illusion of peace. After all, it IS biblical, right? For God so loved the (sinful, fallen, what-the-heck-are-you-people-doing?!) world that He (did something really uncomfortable about it). (my paraphrasing, obviously.)
He is always truthful in warning us of the consequences of destructive behavior and encouraging us with better choices. But, do we listen & heed the CONVICTION? Or do we immediately feel condemned and disregard that uncomfortable feeling?
I think that if we are secure in our identity in Christ, we are able to use all correction (truth) for our betterment. However, any insecurity is revealed simply by how we respond to correction or criticism.
Bottom line—truth is truth and needs no defending. We can receive it & grow in maturity, or…not. We can choose our actions, we can choose our attitudes, but we can not choose the consequences.
Brenda, you’re right. I should have changed the wording at the end. And you’re right along with everything else! Proverbs 17:10 says, “A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool.” (NIV) Proverbs 9:7,8 says, “Correct a worthless bragger, and all you will get are insults and injuries. Any bragger you correct will only hate you. But if you correct someone who has common sense, you will be loved.” (CEV)
I know I’m at fault, depending on who’s giving any instruction or correction, but at the same time, I can’t believe how few people really do live like this. Or at least, in this past couple of weeks 🙂
I’ll choose to be nice still. Or my version of nice, it’s a little less sugary.
Real love can take the occasional criticism, if it’s well-placed.
Anything less crumbles at the first hint of truth.
It’s unfortunate.
Powerful post Jake – especially these last three lines. People may say they love you, may even say they want you to mentor them and help them grow, but the true sign is when criticism comes into play. When you correct someone, address a flaw or help them try to change, real love accepts it. Anything else fights it.
I can think of two people who’ve really lied to me about all sorts of crap. They always said what I wanted to hear, finding out later that none of it was genuine, really made things awkward for a while. I still see one of them these days, but the other is basically gone. It sucks, and I know I’ve done it to other people too, so I’m not going to play innocent here, but truth from the start of everything really would make life easier, wouldn’t it? That’s probably too idealistic.
This is probably why my closest friends are extremely blunt. A few of them probably need a filter, but I always know I’ll get the truth. I prefer that.
Great post.
My closest friends are such because they let me be blunt and occasionally tactless. They’re awesome like that.
There’s just really no good way to tell someone you love that their weight is an issue without them getting defensive. If there is, I certainly have never seen it. As with all addictions, the person has to come to the decision themselves, and the waiting can be frustrating and painful.
You’re right. I think weight is the hardest of all issues to approach, but any unhealthy problem is difficult. Even in communities or employment. I don’t know what to do with it…
Excellent post my friend. If it weren’t for the gut punch I took last week, this may have hurt even more.
My wife told me I was too harsh with our oldest daughter last week. At first I was furious that my authority in the house would come into question.
She didn’t say it anger, she said it in honesty. I didn’t say a word the rest of the night. I felt a tad disrespected… The next day I realized she was right.
I apologized to my daughter first. Then acknowledged the fact to my wife… It sucks being wrong. But if we aren’t willing to face the truth, then we are denying the will of God.
Floyd, I’m right there with you. I had to wait a week to tell someone I was wrong about something… it was awful.