Life’s difficult. So much so, that God basically gave us a get out of jail free card. God sent His sinless Son to die on a cross for us so none of us has to wake up in hell after we expire- if we don’t want to. Even with Jesus and the work He did for us, Paul made it clear that we’ll need some weaponry to help us turn salvation into something that doesn’t only matter when we die. In Ephesians chapter six, Paul tells us about the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of the preparation of the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation and lastly, the sword of the Spirit. I’ve never met so many men who were obsessed with swords until I became a Jesus-person. I have several buddies who actually own swords… it’s like they all want to be LARPers but are more than likely afraid to admit it. Interestingly enough, more than half of them are home-schooled.

We have these weapons at our disposal because life is a fight. It’s hard, remember? The worst part is that we’re not even fighting against anything that’s fun to kill. There are no zombies, trolls, Harry Potter dementors, giant, flesh-eating robots or even angry aliens that want to feed off the life of the planet. We’re battling it out against spiritual principalities and powers, things that we can’t see well enough to stab in the eye or junk-punch. It’s like the scary-faced hunters from the Predator movies when they go all invisible and crap, only worse.

I love Paul’s list of necessities, but I think the man left an item out of the arsenal. There was one incredibly significant omission that I couldn’t live without. The apostle neglected to tell us about the paddle of sarcasm. Sure, the sword of the spirit can hack a demon to pieces then potentially skin him, but the paddle of sarcasm easily disarms any human who might be in opposition to you or the Lord. This weapon is the most effective item we have when dealing with religious spirits. One swat with the paddle of sarcasm and they’ll be so offended they won’t be able to speak their ridiculously closed little minds. When that happens, the demonic forces pushing them to irritate the world around them can’t help but turn, show the red, swollen mark on their butt-cheek, then flee. It’s basically amazing.

Some Jesus-people will tell you that there’s no place for sarcasm in our faith. Anyone who makes this argument either doesn’t understand how to use the paddle, or they’ve been spanked by it enough times that they don’t want to even think about it. If that’s the case, they probably have a problem with religion that’s similar to substance abuse. They need an intervention followed by a twelve-step program.

I figured that it was important for me to share this extra-biblical revelation I received. I’ll probably write a book about it and make millions and everybody will love it until another hundred or so years passes by and I get labeled some sort of heretic for adding to the Bible. But it won’t matter in my lifetime because I’ll be rich and money helps anyone spread their message and get what they want, even in Christian culture (subtle sarcasm is the best. Religious people know they’re getting spanked, but they can’t tell if you’re doing it intentionally or not).