I laughed. My friend scowled. Her statement actually broke several minutes of silence as we rode our bikes around the neighborhood. The words had no prompting whatsoever, which meant that she had been thinking about it for a while and was waiting for me to say something relatively sarcastic and open the door to her lecture. I appreciated it and frankly was anticipating this type of conversation because she’s one of those Christians.
What does that mean?
There are all kinds of Christians. I’m going to stereotype them and place them in a list, mostly for fun.
Types of Jesus-people:
(Ahead of time, just know that it’s mostly, sort of entirely acceptable to be any of these)
1- Holy Jesus, People! With the exception of the whole hair issue, these humans live like modern day Nazarites and even know what that means. They want to be set apart for the Lord and expect all other Jesus-people to be the same. They openly condemn Donald Miller, beer, any movies that aren’t Veggie Tales and are still pissed off that Marilyn Manson is still alive (He’s so ten years ago…) By the way, being set apart doesn’t mean never leaving the church building….
2- Justice Jesus People: These humans know about every instance of genocide that has happened in the last 100 years. They wear Toms because they’re stoked that a pair got sent to some shoeless child in Uganda. They drink free-trade coffee and audibly criticize Starbucks because apparently, they’re not as honest about the places they buy their coffee as we’d like to imagine. I just can’t believe the fat, naked, green, fish-lady on the paper cups would lie to us like that.
3-Marley Jesus People: My favorite Christians have dreads and may or may not make their own clothing. You won’t find many of these people in skinny jeans or with giant, brightly colored high-top shoes, either. They might share some ideals with the Justice people but then again, they also may have some commonalities with Rastafarians. I’ve been told that kind of activity improves spiritual experiences and since I wasn’t a Jesus person when I was smoking that crap, I couldn’t tell you.
4- Tucked in T-shirt Christians: These humans would rather not be called Jesus-people because that’s just weird. They love their favorite Christian Nascar drivers (it seems there are plenty of these, too). Mullets were a hit with these people, but have disappeared since Jeff Foxworthy outgrew his. Mustaches were also popular and they’re excited to see more young men growing them these days, they just wish they wouldn’t dress so weird.
5- Stoic Jesus People: God doesn’t emote, why should you? Well, unless it’s anger. Any display of spiritual or religiously-induced emotion is a sign of cult activity and they’ll let you know about it too. God is more truth than He is love, so you’d better get it right during this lifetime so that you don’t end up living in a van down by the river of God when you get to Heaven. Nobody wants that.
6- Emo Jesus People: Wanna feel awkward? Sit next to one of these humans and when they start crying during your church’s video announcements, slide away carefully. If they make eye contact with you during this time, you can never speak with them again. They also throw their arms up during worship, fall to their knees dramatically like the people in those “Wow: Jesus Music” commercials and hang out for a long time to talk to the pastor about it after service.
7- Sunday Jesus People: They’re not reading their Bible or taking notes on their phone during service, they’re texting that guy or girl they met last night. They might show up to church hung over, but they gave God part of their weekend, didn’t they? Repentance is so much easier when you have a headache motivating you.
8- There are plenty more and I’d rather offend everyone rather than just a few groups of Jesus people…