DID I LEAVE
MY APOCALYPSE SANDWICH BOARD?
I need it for Saturday.
Did you know that you’ll be meeting Jesus face-to-face this weekend? Almost as important, are you ready for the end of days? A group of brilliant people got together, started playing math games with the Bible and discovered that the date Jesus refused to tell us about (Actually, His father never told Him) is actually this Saturday at about six in the evening.
When this kind of thing happens, we have considerations to keep in mind. What do we do until Jesus comes back and what do we do when He shows up? Once upon a time, Jon Acuff mentioned that no young, V-card carrying man wants Jesus to make that big appearance before he gets married. I love this because some people would literally spend this entire time praying and fasting, hoping that they’ll make it to happily ever after in their post-earth existence. Those who have a just a bit more security in their salvation will be thinking kind of, sort of… more carnally, if you ask me. I’m pretty sure there isn’t sex in heaven… so why not worry about that one last couple of times, right?
For those of us who haven’t said “I do” yet and aren’t really interested in adopting new sins right before the end of the world, what will we do? I for one will be playing Rummy and Settlers of Catan with a bunch of people twice my age tomorrow night and I’m thrilled about it. I’m familiar with the tile game but am completely lost on what rummy really is. I think I’ll try to get the oldies to gamble while we’re at it. Maybe I’ll win a bunch of money to blow on the pair of True Religion jeans I plan to be wearing when I get to see Jesus for the first time. One must look good for their Savior, right?
There are too many ways to spend the next forty-four hours or so…. lets move on to what the end might look like.
I know the Bible never mentions zombies, but do you think He’ll let us have any say on how things end? I mean, is the whole long process involving trumpets, bowls of wrath, scrolls, angels and men riding around on horses causing havoc set in stone? Utah lets the people on death row choose how they get to go. I know that Jesus likes Utah, but not as much as He loves Texas and Idaho, so will He give us the option to choose? I hope so because I’m totally voting for zombie apocalypse. It might take longer and it’s certainly messier, but it’s definitely a good story that we could talk about for the next several million millennia. We could see who lasts the longest, which means total bragging rights in heaven.
If the whole Left Behind notion of believers just disappearing thing is true, I hope everyone who was ridiculous enough to put one of those wretched “In case of rapture…” stickers on their car is actually gone. Wouldn’t they feel dumb to be driving around sporting one of those after everyone else has vanished? Otherwise, I hope anyone looking for me just finds my underwear on the ground and that’s it. You know they’d be asking, “Where the crap did his pants, shirt, socks and shoes go?” and I wouldn’t be there to answer. Talk about scandalous.
Another good option is the army of flesh-eating robots that the government never told us about. Would Jesus just let those do their thing? I don’t think so. I think we’ll just plan on finding a pair of boxers with my name written in the back on the street somewhere Saturday evening. Unless it doesn’t happen at all, then I might get arrested for being rather indecent in public. Would the police believe me if I told them about how I tried to spend the predicted end of the world?